Secret’s of Cuddling Revealed

I get lots of fan mail. Most of it is people expressing their love for my incredible blog. Although those letters get monotonous, I am grateful for them. I also often get letters asking for relationship advice, something I am an expert in.

Question: “Isaac, how can I make my husband as great as you?”

Answer: Buying him a pair of khaki shorts is a great place to start.

Question: “Isaac, why won’t my husband watch The Bachelor with me?”

Answer: Because it’s lame.

But last week I received a letter asking a question that I feel deserves public attention.

Question: “Isaac, I love cuddling with you at night, but it seems like we rarely are both in the mood to cuddle on the same night. How come?”

Great question anonymous reader!

You see, the husband and wife cuddling relationship is very complex. Men and women desire to cuddle for different reasons. The reason a man has for cuddling is pretty simple, he’s cold. The probability of him cuddling is shown in the algorithm below.


Exhibit 1. The desire of a man’s willingness to cuddle is less than or equal to the room temperature. (Multiply by 10 if you’re a resident of Canada)

The cuddling scenario can really only play out two different ways with men.

Scenario 1

Woman: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Man: “Yeah I’m kind of cold.”

Scenario 2

Woman: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Man: “Are you kidding me? I’m sweating bullets over here.”

A woman’s desire to cuddle is much different from a man’s. A woman does not desire to cuddle any more often than a man does. Her cuddling desire probability algorithm is just much more complex, as you can see from the diagram below.


Exhibit 2. Used to calculate a woman’s desire to cuddle.

Things such as whether or not the man willingly attended her mother’s birthday party, how much time he spent playing video games that day, and how recently he has bathed, all play a part into the great equation that is a woman’s desire to cuddle.


“I majored in history, how am I supposed to know what that algorithm means? And why do we keep our bed in the middle of the living room?”

Obviously the equation is quite complex, and if any husbands reading this have similar study habits to mine, you aren’t going to start trying to master this equation until the metaphorical equivalent of the night before the exam. My advice is to try to marry a woman who is like a lenient adjunct professor who will give you partial credit for getting a few of the steps correct. You know, like bathing. You could probably do that.

And to you, anonymous reader who asked the question, I hope I have shed some light on your cuddling troubles. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to leave your thermostat at your husband’s desired temperature at night. He might even cuddle with you more often if you do.


Here are some kittens cuddling. Just because