Obama’s NCAA Picks

Watch the jokes here!

Read the jokes here!

This week President Obama unveiled his predictions for the March Madness tournament. Obama picked Kansas to win the championship, and America to lose the election.

In all of his years in office, Obama has only correctly picked winner the NCAA tourney once. And he seriously thinks we can trust him to pick a Supreme Court nominee?

Obama explaining his method of picking a Supreme Court nominee.

This week Marco Rubio said he regrets mocking the size of Donald Trump’s hands during a recent speech. You know what they say about guys that regret mocking the size of another man’s hands…

Marco Rubio ended his presidential run this week after losing his home state of Florida. It’s crazy that Rubio lost his home state. Especially since that’s where he’s spent all of his time the last six years.

In his concession speech, Rubio said that it was not God’s plan for him to become president. Of course not. God’s all about the apocalypse.

Continue reading →

Mitt Romney Denounces Trump

Watch the jokes here!

Read the jokes here!

This week astronaut Scott Kelly returned to earth after spending nearly one year in space. When he got back Kelly asked “So what has happened since I’ve been gone?”

“Um, well…”

This week former presidential candidate Mitt Romney gave a speech denouncing Donald Trump. I feel like Mitt Romney is like the GOP’s ex-boyfriend. He only comes around to bad mouth their new boyfriend.

A lot of people are also wondering why Mitt Romney waited until after Super Tuesday to denounce Trump, because if you thing about it, denouncing Trump after Super Tuesday is like talking to your daughter about abstinence at her shotgun wedding.

Mitt Romney is just doing what he does best, and that’s making sure that no Republicans win the White House.

Gads. Which student set up the lighting for this speech? He’s got lines all over his face, he looks like he’s peeking between his venetian blinds. You had all morning to get this right. I want names.

Continue reading →

Ted Cruz Fires Spokesman

Watch the jokes here!

Read the jokes here!

This week Ted Cruz fired his spokesman. So if anyone’s looking for three solid weeks of work, the Cruz campaign is hiring.

“YOU’RE FIRED!… Did I do that right?”

This week President Obama danced with a 106 year old at the White House. It’s nice to see him finally getting along with John McCain.

This week Jeb Bush dropped out of the election. The good news for Jeb is since he did so poorly, next year he’ll have a great draft pick.

In a debate this week, Ben Carson bragged that he had a made for TV movie made about him. You’d think since he had a made for TV movie made about him that he’d be, you know, a little more made for TV.

This week President Obama asked Congress to close the Guantanamo Bay prison in Cuba, something that Obama has been unable to accomplish for years. Which is a great idea because if you need to get a tough job done, ask Congress.

It’ll be rough having Guantanamo closed. Without it, where is a water boarding enthusiast supposed to vacation?

The Guantanamo Bay synchronized waterboarding team practices for the Cuban national tournament.

Cell phone companies are starting to let consumers design their own phones. I know what I want. I want an iPhone that allows me to delete Apple’s apps.

This week Kim Kardashian finally posted the first picture of her new baby. I’m glad she finally did that. I was afraid we were going to let a Kardashian become famous for nothing.

Scientists reported this week that sea levels are rising faster than any time in the past 2800 years. The news vindicates the decision to record sea levels by 800 bc. scientists.

Kanye West Needs Money

Watch the jokes here!

Read the jokes here!

Kanye West announced this week that he is $53 million in debt. Proving he actually does have what it takes to be president.

After revealing his financial troubles, Kanye asked Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg for $1 billion. Now I ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digga…

Kanye said he is $53 million in debt, & then asked Zuckerberg for $1 billion. That’s like saying “I’m $53 short on rent, can I have $1,000?”

“Mark gives me money when I’m in need”

Valentine’s Day

Watch the jokes here!

Read the jokes here!

Match.com released a new survey this week says the ideal date is 2 1/2 hours long. Which is perfect, that’s how long it takes to play my harmonica set list.

Match.com also said taking a girl out for sushi will make her 170% more likely to go on a 2nd date. It’s amazing how turned on girls get by a $40 plate of raw eel.

Match.com also said that 60% of single people prefer evening dates, meaning 40% of single people are unemployed.

“You’d think our math degrees would’ve landed us steady employment.”

Presidential election voting has kicked off with the primaries in Iowa and New Hampshire. Continue reading →

Blake Griffin Noggin Puncher

Watch the jokes here!

Read the jokes here!

In an interview this week Hugh Jackman said that Wolverine would beat Deadpool in a fight. I think it depends on which Wolverine shows up.

“If you cage the beast, the best does the tango.”

This week Ted Cruz challenged Donald Trump to a one on one debate. Jeb Bush would be allowed on stage just so they’d have someone to interrupt.

Also this week Ben and Jerry’s revealed a Bernie Sanders ice cream flavor. When asked what it tastes like they described it as “Strawberry with a hint of Lenin.” Continue reading →